God’s original plan for marriage:

In the union of marriage,

the man and woman were created as one1,

designed to function as one

and completely dependent on the indwelling

Christ for fulfilling their God-ordained roles.

This letter was written to a friend–a friend who had been hurt and disillusioned in her marriage, so much so that she had determined she was through trying. I had talked with her but she had apparently rejected my counsel, so I decided to “share with her once again.” You may not need these words–your marriage is great or you are not married or you tried and it didn’t work out. Whatever. But there is someone in your world who does need these words. Send this to them, please. You may save their marriage and years of loneliness, regret, and shattered dreams.

To my dear Friend,

Let me remind you of some of the things I shared with you–and I would ask that you please read them carefully, asking God to show you the truth in these simple statements.

You are a Believer. You volitionally chose this role. As a Believer you are a new creation with a new mind, a new heart, and a new will with the deep desire to please the Lord.2

As this new creation, you now have the Spirit of Christ living within you to guide you and to empower you in your everyday walk (Romans 5:5). This is His plan for you as His beloved child as you face the hard circumstances, the enmity in this world.
You know what is right to do and so every word that you say, every thing you lift your hand to do is done either in your own strength, wisdom, and desire, or by trusting Christ to express Himself through you by faith (Romans 15:18).
When you do things your way, you are sinning because you are denying the presence of God in you and not allowing Him to control you.
There are two responsible people in a marriage relationship–the wife and the husband. God does not hold you responsible for your husband’s performance–being the husband God intends him to be–but He does hold you responsible for your performance–being the wife God intended you to be. Allowing your husband to be the leader, praising him, encouraging him, and meeting his sexual needs are the basic elements of your God-given role. When you do not meet these needs as his wife, you are disobeying God–it’s that simple. It doesn’t matter what he does or does not do. What matters is your obedience to God in your role.
God is at work in your life and in the life of your husband conforming each of you into His image. As the Spirit of the Lord works within us we become more and more like Him (II Corinthians 3:18 (b) LB). You trust Him for this because of His promise: I am confident that He who began this good work will complete it perfectly (Philippians 1:6).
You are living in rebellion, dear one by doing what you want to do, telling your husband what you expect him to do, and ignoring those basic needs that you, as the wife, are to fulfill.

Why don’t you do those things?

“I don’t want to.” (Rebellion)

“He has a lot of things in his life that need to be changed.” (Trying to take over God’s responsibility, ignoring your own limitations.)

“Why should I knock myself out trying to please him when he does so little to please me?” (Disobedience)

Analyze what you are doing. You and your husband make a choice with every interaction–every act of resentment, anger, selfishness, laziness, dominance, etc.

But there is another choice: You can choose to change–to stop doing things the way you have done them for the last years and become obedient to Christ–allowing Him to make your union a thing of beauty. Don’t blame Him for your unpleasant circumstances. He allows us to do things our way if we so choose and we get ourselves into all sorts of bad settings.

What He promises us is this: “You have made some bad decisions, but I am not going to leave you. I’ll live through you so that the two of us together will see something good come out of this. I promise you. All things work together for good to those who love the Lord and those who are called to be conformed to My image–which is what I intend for us to bring about together. This is My goal for you. I want to face life for you, dear one, and you are resisting. Please allow Me to be your Protector, your Encouragement, your Love, your Strength, your Wisdom. I do all of these things very, very well.”

[1] The single person is not “incomplete.” Colossians 2:10 You are “complete” the moment you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior, Your Lord, and your Life. Your “completeness” does not depend on any other person for fulfillment.

[2] If these thoughts are new to you, please read my book, The Confident Woman, by Anabel Gillham, available through this Website or call 888-395-5433